Tuesday, September 11, 2007

How to solve global warming and the energy crisis at the expense of our ethics!

It's just come to me... the solution to global warming! Animal cruelty!

Apparently, the greatest factor in global warming at the moment is cow farts and belches. Well we can't get rid of the cows! How will Americans get the burger part of their daily quadruple bacon cheese burger? You can't have a bacon pigburger! Actually... maybe you could... mmm... bacon pigburger...

So anyway, here's the idea- we collect the methane from cow farts and burps by sticking tubes up each end of the cow and feeding them mush through a tube in their throats. Maybe it can be the mush from all the soybeans they grow after they cut down the forests in Brazil to provide all those yummy vegetarian fake meat products that you half-heartedly accept if you're staying with one of your dirty hippy friends.

So you got the tubes and they go to a methane power plant and make us some electricity! Maybe some methanol for the cars. We get people to work on that stuff.

Oh, and you'd have to put the cows on treadmills to keep them in shape. You gotta have lean beef if you want to wear those size fours!

Okay, now here's the smart part. I know I said animal cruelty, but we can make it good for the cows too. All we need is a scientist or two and we can make this happen. I call it: the Cowtrix.

Basically, you put some wires in the cow's brains that stimulate their pleasure centers and block their pain centers so they're always happy cows. Then, you put on some VR goggles that trick the cows into thinking they're actually frolicking in a meadow on a lovely day. And we don't have to worry about the One bull who fights back in a great revolution because, well, they're cows.

So there, I solved global warming, the energy crisis and kept beef on our tables and all-you-can-eat buffets. Stop worrying everybody.